During a chaotic 2023, I had a complete mental breakdown after losing my job and other major life changes. You should probably not read this.

Seriously. I was shocked at stuff I wrote when I read this a year later.

But if you do read, please do so at your own risk. It contains a lot of really raw emotion, frequent, open discussion about suicide (but no actual method for the safety of others) and just the messed up contents of a messed up, broken spirit.

Hopeless, suicidal, 2 months in a Mental Health hospital and a lot of inner torment took me through the pits of the Valley of Death. This is not a self-help book of any kind! It's a raw, expletive-laden unfiltered view of my descent into chaos and my desperate attempts to justify living one more day.

Trying to justify survival whilst I looked at the horrible mess inside me. But most of all, it is honest and authentic to the state I was in, and going through.

It is also an account of tiny victories and tiny rays of sunshine in the utter chaos. Ultimately, through sheer luck, it ends in self-acceptance and perhaps even some potential guidance to help Mental Health professionals deal more effectively with Neurodiverse humans.

This was never written with the eye to publish - EVER! However, several Mental Health professionals indicated they'd love to read this, as it gives some insight into the state of mind of those who are suicidal. Having completed this, I publish this with great trepidation - I have already experienced incredible Mental Health discrimination - and with this in the open, I will likely experience more.

Though I hope people have wisdom and empathy to see the terrible state I was in, whilst trying to smile and pretend I am OK. BUT IF ALL MY CHAOS, TRAUMA AND SUFFERING CAN HELP JUST ONE HUMAN ON EARTH TO FIND PEACE AND HOPE, IT WILL ALL HAVE BEEN WORTH IT.

. .