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Because of this, I would consistently find myself in a pattern of self-righteous exaltation in my own efforts of maintaining a godly appearance and relationship with God. This led me to a life of depravity and eventually agnosticism.
I started to disbelieve the possibility of a god because the burden of trying to please him in my own efforts felt impossible. This brought me to a place of spiritual emptiness and mental drainage that I wanted to end, so it felt easier to completely deny him.
Though I denied him, though, there was still a yearning in my heart to know him and to be endowed to my Creator. .
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